Do your kids seem to hate homeschooling?

I got this question from a friend recently and wanted to let you in on our conversation.

The Mom:

My children are small, but I feel I may be going about this wrong. My kids seem to dislike homeschool work, always begging me for a day off or a break. I am not sure how to change this. They are 6 and 8.

We spend maybe two hours a day doing Math and Language Arts and then maybe science/history/social studies through the week.

I find they just want to get it over with so they can do other things (my eight year old son seems to beg for the computer or ipad mostly). I also ask them to read every day, and even though they can choose what they want to read, they still resist and complain.

Me:

I think two hours is reasonable but what you do in those two hours is important.

If they have to sit still and be quiet, that’s hard for young ones. Watching an educational video counts, so does a math computer game or a board game. Reading an ebook counts too. This might be attractive to your computer-loving child.

And remember, they need to move and be creating or figuring things out, not just listening to you or doing a worksheet.

Also, having a reward system can work for awhile. We often had a checklist of things they HAD to do, and when that was done, they could play. Or they’d get stickers or points toward a treat.

Break up the two hours like this, for example: After you finish this assignment, you get this coupon toward 15 minutes on the computer. Or when the timer goes off in 10 minutes, you can stop that worksheet and run around the house for 3 minutes.

And if they didn’t want to get back to work after the reward, I’d say, “I know it’s hard to focus on this, but it’s important, and I know you can do it. It’s only a few more minutes.”

Pep talks, rewards, smiles, doing it with them, making it fun … those were the best ways to get through boring, hard stuff. But keep that kind of work to a minimum.

The goal is engage their curiosity and let them explore things on their own.

Photo by Lori

The Mom:

I certainly do not see a love of learning being formed here, and I am not sure how to change this.

I know you seem to follow a child-led learning technique, and if you could give some advice on how to implement this (or even books) I would appreciate it.

Also, my son would spend all day and night on the computer if he could, I am assuming this is not what you mean by child-led learning?

Me:

However your child spends his time, he’s learning, even if it’s not your definition of “learning.”

If you are uncomfortable with what he likes to do, give him more options.

To get your kids out and moving, you have to find things that interest them. Go for an outing/field trip once a week, find a sport they can join (summers are good for this), music lessons, art lessons, scouts, 4H, theater, a telescope to look at the night sky, a garden, a pet, who knows!

It can take a while to find these things and get a new groove, so don’t despair, just keep trying.

My favorite books are by John Holt. He was a pioneer in the unschooling movement. I’m sure there are other great books out there, but I tended to follow my heart in teaching my kids and didn’t want to get bogged down with the ideas of others.

There are principles to follow, like let the child’s interests drive his education, keep the end in mind (they have to learn math, etc), but the nitty gritty, day-to-day stuff can’t be prescribed. That’s up to you and your expert knowledge of your child.

Photo by Kai Schreiber

The Mom:

Thank you! Today as Jeremy explained all the details of the different mods of this game he is learning online, using vocabulary I was surprised he knew … I had the same thought of what you said, how his learning looks different than what I think learning should be.

I volunteer in his religion class, and just seeing those kids sit there for an hour and half working out of a book makes me rethink how we approach learning, because I don’t think these kids are really learning much doing this.

One more question, how did your son do so well on the ACT and SAT? Did he take a prep course?  I don’t test my kids at the moment and often wondered if they need “testing” to prepare them for test taking.

Me:

During his junior year in high school, Peter read through a prep book we got at the bookstore, but his best preparation was to read a lot. He loved to read and he’d work through very difficult stuff because it interested him and he wanted to understand.

The more experience our kids get with text, the more adept they get at figuring it out. That’s the key to the reading passages in those standardized tests. The other half of the test is math, so that’s why we need to keep moving them forward in that area.

Peter had a great math teacher when he was a freshman in high school. That’s the one year he went to private school. From there he basically taught himself, but he was a natural. I think for a different child, I would probably have them take math at a community college for high school credit.

The Mom:

Thank you again. You have helped a lot.

I just asked my son how he would like to build Minecraft structures following an instruction book on the Kindle for homeschool tomorrow, and he shouted “Yes!” I guess I found a way get him excited and read!

Me:

Perfect!

Do you have any other suggestions for this mom?

My memories are sweet, even bittersweet these days because I am still in transition, trying to get used to life without my three children forging their lives around me. Now I just hear about it, if they remember to tell me!

As I look back, these are the things I’m glad we did:

1. We valued each child’s uniqueness. Just because Meg could draw didn’t mean I insisted Melissa do the same thing. Peter had his nose in a book all the time, but I didn’t expect the girls to be like him.

2. We kept the stress level low. If something was hard or uninteresting, we’d leave it for another day or tackle it a different way.

3. We read aloud. Almost every bedtime was spent listening to a chapter in a book. We all look back on those stories and realize we have a common history, a common vocabulary.

4. We talked to each other, A LOT! I was always interested in what they were thinking and why. Or I’d ask them to explain what they were doing. As they got older, we’d talk about the news and why certain things were happening. Everyone’s opinion and perspective was valuable.

5. I watched them. Nothing profound. Nothing complicated. I simply watched and listened. This gave me insight into what they enjoyed and how they learned.

6. We valued relationship. I wanted the kids to be friends, to stick together when they grew up, and to take care of me when I’m old. Ha! But really, family is forever, and no school activity was so important that it should kill our relationships.

7. We laughed a lot. I think we have Missa to thank for that. She was always saying funny things or getting into silly situations.

8. I gave them space. I tried not to hover. Since we were together all the time, I liked to fade into the background when friends were over or we were on a field trip…keeping an eye on them, secret-agent-style.

9. We spent money on developing their talents. This was my least favorite thing to do…I hate spending money, but it was worth it. One year I drove an hour each way and paid big membership fees for Missa to play hockey. As we all know, sports for junior high aged homeschoolers is not an easy thing to find. But I reminded myself that the younger you learn a skill, the better you can get. For Meg it was sitting for hours in the car waiting for rehearsals to end. For Peter it was sending him to film camp in high school.

10. I journaled. Your child will never be this age again. No matter how old they are today, tomorrow they will be a day older. Capture your memories, record the things they say, document their growth.

When I was a child, I saw a TV production of the play Our Town by Thornton Wilder. One scene profoundly influenced me. Emily came back from the grave to visit her home on her 12th birthday. She was distressed to see how busy everyone was:

“Oh, Mama, look at me one minute as though you really saw me…Let’s really look at one another!…I can’t. I can’t go on. It goes so fast. We don’t have time to look at one another. I didn’t realize…Take me back — up the hill — to my grave. But first: Wait! One more look. Good-bye , Good-bye world. Good-bye, Grover’s Corners….Mama and Papa. Good-bye to clocks ticking….and Mama’s sunflowers. And food and coffee. And new ironed dresses and hot baths….and sleeping and waking up. Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it–every, every minute?”

I wanted to “really see” those little people in my life and be thankful for the ordinary blessing of being together.

And looking back, I think I did.

Place yourself 10 years in the future. What will you want to say about your homeschooling years then?

Written by contributor Jena of Yarns of the Heart.

When our kids are grown and look back on their homeschooling years, what will they say about it?

Melissa and I were in the car recently, talking about her college classes. She’s a political science major, so she likes to think about current events and  our political system. As we rounded a curve, she concluded,  “People are like sheep … they just want someone to lead them without having to think about it.”

I laughed and agreed with her.

Then she added, “I think the greatest thing you taught us was to think for ourselves and to question everything.”

Wow. That made me stop and take a breath (not literally. I was still driving, you know).

When we started this journey 20 years ago, one thing compelled me: I wanted our kids to be leaders. I didn’t want them to follow the crowd and live blindly. I wanted them to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions.

If you ask how we did it, I guess it boils down to three principles.

• Be humble. This means we parents don’t have to be the experts all the time. Of course sometimes you just have to tell them Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492, but other times you can say, “That’s an interesting question! I bet you’ll figure it out.” And my personal favorite, “I don’t know.”
• Respect their thought processes. This is also part of being humble. What they think and how they think is to be taken seriously. Encourage them to ask more questions, to look at things from various perspectives, and to experiment.  They learn how to think by our example and by considering everyone’s input. As they experience you taking them seriously, they will return the favor and take you seriously.
• Respect their conclusions. You might not agree with them all the time. That’s OK. Remember, you’re not the expert anyway. If you have a relationship based on mutual respect, you can explain why you think the way you do, and if they are humble too, they will consider it.

The best learning situations can be family discussions. We had them all the time, standing around our gas log fireplace in the living room.

Someone would have read something interesting and wanted to talk about it. That would lead to thoughts about this or that, and off we’d go. I liked to call those sessions “solving the problems of the universe.”

A couple months ago we helped Peter move into his new apartment and had a few hours the next morning to just sit and chat. As usual, our conversation took us a million places and Peter remarked, “Talking to you two is interesting. People don’t understand how I like to consider all the angles and all the options. I see now where I got it.”

As homeschoolers, it’s too easy to fall into the trap of “filling the bucket.” We want our kids to learn all the facts and finish the curriculum. That’s good but it should be secondary to learning how to think, how to treat others, and how to learn.

Stop once in awhile and reflect on what you’re doing with your kids. Make a New Year’s resolution that charts the course for the future. Write it out and frame it, if necessary.

It’s never too late to keep the end in mind.

What do you hope your adult kids will say when they look back at homeschooling?

Have you ever felt like this? A reader shared her heart with me recently:

“I am in a desperate search for homeschooling counseling. I grew up in NYC and attended public school all the way through high school. My parents and friends aren’t very acquainted with the day to day concept of homeschooling.

So I find myself lonely and questioning whether I’m doing homeschool the “proper” way and truly second guessing the whole thing.

I’m a mom to an only child and am wondering if there is a certain approach I should consider. My daughter will turn seven in a little over a week and I find she gets bored very easily with her homeschool activities which makes me wonder whether I’m meeting her needs.

However, if I add a more challenging activity, she cries because it’s too hard. I really don’t want her to have a bitter experience with school. I’m afraid she’s building resistance and/or manipulating.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this? I am currently not following any curriculum simply because I’ve no clue where to start. Because of this I feel a bit overwhelmed with the lack of structure and as to what to do, where to start and how to go about the whole matter.”

Here’s what I told her…

Where to Start and How to Keep Going

1. Get involved with other homeschoolers in your area.

They will offer lots of ideas and support. Often local homeschooling families come together weekly and the parents teach classes. If there isn’t anything like this, start your own! It’s something to look forward to and something to work toward each week.

If you don’t want to get involved in weekly teaching, you could join their field trips. Plus you’ll both make friends with people who understand your lifestyle.

2. Print out a copy of The Core Knowledge Sequence (see this post for the link) and look for topics to cover.

It’s a handy, free reference of grade-appropriate school topics and can be a life saver when you don’t know where to start. You could read the list to your child and have her pick what looks interesting, then go to the library and find material.

You can also choose the topics yourself and have the resources available to share with her.

My daughter Meg around 2003, 11 years old

3. Find a school supply store or a teacher store in your area.

They have lots of workbooks for you to browse and find something to work through. This will give you some structure at low cost and commitment. Find a math book, then maybe one other topic to see if she likes working this way.

We always had some sort of workbook that made the kids feel like they were in school and gave me something to assign if things weren’t going great that day.

4. Make your day as structured as you like.

Some families do better with more structure. You could start with an hour a day of scheduled activities, then she could move to reading a book she chose from the library or a book on tape while she draws or paints.

You’re right about not wanting her to be bitter about homeschooling. Finding what she enjoys and gets wrapped up in…that’s the key.

My daughter Melissa (long sleeved stripes) in High School Musical, 2009

5. Sign her up for lessons, community theater, or park district activities (music, art, sports, drama).

Anything that gets her out of the house and with other people will relieve boredom complaints and help her find her interests.

6. Help her start a business or volunteer.

When Melissa was around 10 years old, she started a dog walking service in the neighborhood. Maybe you have elderly neighbor or a friend at church who needs a helper once in awhile.

Further reading:

• Three Ways to Motivate a Reluctant Learner
• What to Do With Homeschool Doubt
• What Really Matters in Homeschooling
• Beginning Homeschooling

What advice would you give to this new homeschooler?

I am a big fan of interest-led learning. We found that motivation was rarely a problem because our three kids (all now graduated) were always exploring what interested them.

You can do it too.

For example, if your child loves trains, let him spend time learning all there is to know about trains. As a result, there will be a lot of reading, history, social studies, science and math to conquer, but it won’t feel like school!

What about learning things that don’t connect to a child’s interests?

It’s tempting to say, “Sit down, be quiet, listen and learn,” but if you have a reluctant learner, you know thems fightin’ words!

Here are a few ways to move your child from resistant to motivated.

1. Control your temper.

Kids tend to mirror our emotions. Plus, you’re more likely to say things you don’t mean and damage your relationship.

2. Go on a field trip.

Getting out will be good for everyone.

Your child may have no interest in the Lincoln/Douglas Debates, but we have a great little hands-on museum here in my hometown. I’m sure you have similar things near you.

Check out your local homeschool group, chamber of commerce, or do an internet search for historic places and museums near you.

Being out of the house and in an interesting place will stimulate their minds and create an understanding of things they might not choose on their own, and it just might spark a new interest.

3. Play games.

There is nothing better for learning boring things than making a game out of it.

Yes, I admit, some learning can be boring. Games work especially well for struggling readers who need to learn and practice phonics rules.

Here’s a game I made to practice the long vowel/silent e rule (or Bossy E), but it works for any set of words. All you need is a game of checkers and round stickers that are often used for yard sales. These stickers are great because they peel off easily when you want to change the words.

It’s played just like checkers except you have to say the word before you move your piece. If you child says it wrong, remind him of the rule, ask him to look again, (“Do you see a Bossy E?”).

Pair my Bossy E checkers game with the following chart of long and short vowels and you have a real winner! Let your child refer to the chart when he’s trying to decide how to pronounce the word.

Getting those pictures in his head will help him remember the vowel sounds. You can download the chart from Teachers Pay Teachers and print it at home.

When I was teaching my children (before the internet!) I relied on this book for ideas:

Don’t forget simple games like Concentration.

Get a bunch of index cards and a list of target words. Write one word on each card, but make pairs. So 12 words will yield 24 cards. Turn them face down on the table and try to make a match by turning over two cards.

If you make a match, keep the cards and go again. If you don’t make a match, turn them over and it’s the next person’s turn. When all the cards are gone, the one with the most cards wins. Kids love this game and often have better memories than the adult!

I just started a Pinterest board of my favorite reading teacher ideas.

The key to motivating your children is to keep things positive and to build on their interests.

Games and field trips are my favorite tactics. What are yours?

Traditional schooling revs up next month and it’s tempting to jump on board, send your kids off to school and give up on this homeschooling idea. Maybe last year wasn’t as great as you had hoped, or maybe you are considering homeschooling for the first time and are starting to get cold feet.

Take a deep breath and let me tell you my story…why I am glad we stuck with homeschooling even through those days of doubt.

My first child missed the first day of kindergarten in 1994. I felt ecstatically rebellious and thankful…rebellious because I wasn’t doing what everyone else was doing, but following what I knew was right. Thankful because he wasn’t jumping on the treadmill that would consume his life for the next 12 years. Instead, we happily continued our life of endless summer.

But that first little guy, Peter, was extremely hungry for knowledge and exceptionally smart (at least his mom thought so!) and I often doubted myself.

I wondered if I was giving him enough, if he would reach his potential or be held back because of homeschooling. This doubt hit its peak just before 8th grade. High school was right around the corner and then the ACT and SAT, and what college would take a homeschooler? I felt the weight of his future on my shoulders.

Even though we’d spent all of elementary school in a free-form way, letting him follow his interests and become an expert at everything, I began to panic.

I found a private high school that looked like a good fit and started him on a traditional 8th grade curriculum. He took the entrance exam, got in, and spent his freshman year wearing a uniform to school and getting straight A’s.

But it didn’t last long. My husband’s job changed and we had to move to a small town with very little choice of schools, so we decided to go back to homeschooling. He was allowed to join the choir at the local high school, participated in community theater, took a couple classes at the community college, and read a lot.

The ACT and SAT were easy for him because he was used to reading difficult passages and figuring things out on his own. He became a National Merit Scholar and got a full ride scholarship to the University of Chicago, all with a homeschool diploma.

Fast forward to graduating from UChicago (with honors, I might add). He was happy to get back to studying what interested him, free from being told what to read and what to write. School just cramped his style. He took a job to pay for his apartment in Chicago, but on the side, he started teaching himself software development.

He has told me several times that homeschooling gives him the edge because he knows how to learn. He didn’t spend his life being taught, passively taking it all in, memorizing it, then forgetting it. He actually learned how to learn, how to start with a question and find answers on his own.

After a year of learning on his own and volunteering at a start-up company for experience, he just accepted a software development job in downtown Chicago with a great salary. He is thrilled and can’t wait to start.

Meg, Peter, & Melissa

His two younger sisters have equally encouraging stories. Meg struggled with reading until 5th grade, which means public school would have labeled her from the beginning. But today she is a confident, successful college student. She even braved living in India on her own for nine months, teaching English to children from the slums.

My youngest, Melissa, homeschooled up to 8th grade and went to public high school for the sports, but plans to homeschool her own kids. I have several “homeschool meets public school” stories about her on my blog.

So hang in there! Everyone doubts the wisdom of homeschooling. That’s a good thing. It means you care, that you want the very best for your child.

Remember to keep the big picture in mind. When a day or a month or a year doesn’t go the way you think it should, remind yourself of the goal–to raise emotionally healthy, naturally curious human beings who love to learn.

And they just don’t teach that in the public schools.

What gets you through the days of doubt?

May is a time of endings and beginnings. Graduation, summer vacation…the world tends to follow a public school clock, and even though we homeschoolers aren’t confined by these boundaries, we still find ourselves relaxing more as May comes around.

While you’re spending more time outside and letting go of some routines, I say, “Embrace the summer attitude!” Let a summer mindset be the climate of your schooling.

Look for ways to let summer last all year long.

Here’s what I mean:

• This summer, notice how your kids are learning on their own. What do they choose to do? Are they learning anything while they do it? Maybe their natural drive could be the foundation of your schooling in the fall.

• Ask your kids what they would like to do this summer. Ask why, and the answer will give you a lot of insight into what motivates them. Could these sports, activities or travel opportunities open up unit studies and research projects?

• Do you keep a strict schedule in the summer? Probably not as strict as the school year, so pay attention to the difference. Do you all get along better? Are you more creative? Are you still learning? Maybe you’ll want to incorporate a less scheduled lifestyle into your schooling.

• Keep a journal or take pictures of what you do this summer, then reflect in August. What elements of your summer could keep going all year long?

As I write this, I am reminded of the first post I wrote for my blog in 2008. I called it School, an Endless Summer. It’s a wistful look back as my oldest was about to graduate high school.

When we started this journey, I viewed homeschooling as a continuation of the preschool years, as a life seamlessly flowing from one season into the next without the abrupt stops and starts that traditional schooling imposes. It really was a life of endless summers.

I guess it’s deep in my bones to keep learning natural and fun, like exploring the beach on a summer evening.

How would you describe the climate of your homeschool?

We all know the feeling, right? School schedules versus family time. Housework versus textbooks. Who wins? Who should win? After homeschooling three kids to high school graduation, here are my thoughts on the subject.

#1 Life is learning.

Try to look at daily life as full of learning opportunities. Going to the grocery store is vocabulary instruction (what is a pomegranate?) and a math lesson (how much is this item per ounce?). It’s also economics (let’s stay within our budget). Here’s a link to free resources dealing with a trip to the grocery store.

Any routine family activity involves learning. Just let your kids in on your thinking processes. Why are we doing this? How can we do it more efficiently, more economically? You’ll be amazed at what they discover.

#2 Life and learning is a journey.

Does packaged curriculum drive your day, and does it drive you crazy? If we focus on “we have to finish these pages today!” we might be losing sight of the goal. Where do I want my child to be 10 years from now? I want him or her to love learning, to be excited to pick up a book and find answers to real questions. I also want my children to know how to learn, to solve their own problems, and to find new ways to do things.

I believe published curriculum is best used as a road map, a guide that helps me see where I’m going and possible ways to get there. If something isn’t working, stop and try something else. Skip that part. Come back to it later. Find another way to get that point across. Whoever wrote that curriculum has never met your child. These are tools, not edicts from on high.

I liked to use The Core Knowledge Sequence (from the popular series of books by the same name) as my road map. It is free to download and lists everything a child should know at every grade level. Of course, this is just their opinion, but it is helpful as a checklist.

Below is an example from page 96, 3rd grade, in The Core Knowledge Sequence. I suggest printing the pages that apply to your kids, put them in a three-ringed binder, and check things off once a week or so.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND USAGE

• Use capital letters correctly.
• Understand what a complete sentence is, and identify subject and predicate in single-clause sentences distinguish complete sentences from fragments
• Know the following parts of speech and how they are used:
• nouns (for concrete nouns)
• pronouns (singular and plural)
• verbs: action verbs and auxiliary (helping) verbs
• adjectives (including articles: a before a consonant, an before a vowel, and the)
• adverbs

#3 Learning is life.

Human beings are natural learners. Your toddler is a learning machine! Why? Why? Why???? And as they grow, the world continues to be fascinating.

Just nurture that natural curiosity. If your child shows interest in a topic, let him get ten library books on the subject and spend his days becoming an expert. All that reading, watching videos, experimenting, and talking to you about it will check off fifty skills in the Core Knowledge Sequence (see #2 above).

Because home is school, and parents are teachers, we have the amazing opportunity to share our lives and our love of learning with our kids. They don’t have to experience the disjointed life of someone who has to learn away from home. So enjoy it, and count everyday as a blessing.

How do you integrate home and school?