Anne, the pain of having a young adult who is incredibly lost – academically, emotionally, spiritually, socially – is so, so strong. I know. I also know that our children’s process is not over simply because they have now become a young adult. Society pretty much suggests that it is, but people’s personal development in all of those areas just does not follow that same path, especially when we account for emotional and neurological differences. I have found that really “being with” my kids as teens and young adults has been surprisingly as important as it was when they were younger. I didn’t see that coming! Not always or necessarily physically “with,” but just really present with who they are as they figure things out, even if who they are isn’t what I expected or clear to me. You have clearly invested a lot in your children so I’m sure you already know this – just reaffirming it. Your daughter’s process isn’t over yet:).

I don’t know if this resonates with you in any way but in case it does, during a very muddy stretch, I prayed Psalm 51:10 repeatedly during terrifying times, inserting one of my children’s names. Slowly, in ways I didn’t always notice in the moments and, of course, not exactly as I’d pictured, that prayer has turned to praise for those very things:). Give yourself the space to rest in Him. Take good care.

Anne, I have been praying for you since I first read your comment yesterday, and I wanted to respond before I did any other work today. I know in my own mothering life, with both my typical-developing and special needs kiddos, I long for any kind of guarantee that I am doing it “right” or that they will turn out “right.” Yet I know inside that nothing, no homeschooling philosophy or manmade system can ever be my or our Savior. There are no such guarantees in life.

When I compare my children’s current progress to what it might like in the “system” of if I had chosen a different philosophy, it’s a lose-lose situation, a fantasy. I am imagining some kind of ideal scenario where they would have loving teachers, friendly classmates, supportive help, everything going perfectly. But the reality of the system or any family is that ideal rarely, if ever, exists. It’s possible that my children might be further along in certain areas, true, and yet they could still be incredibly lost in many others as well.

What helps me is to remember all that my children HAVE had by being in our loving environment at home and where they might be without it. In my case, one of my sons would literally be dead, my daughter likely in an unhealthy exploitive environment, and my other son would likely have sought to find approval through people pleasing. I know that as a mother who cares so much, and in spite of being imperfect and human, you could also point to small, healthy seeds that you have planted by all you have invested in your precious girl, and God is not done with either of you yet.

It can be so hard to have children who are not on the typical, society-expected timeline, but that happens plenty of times within the system as well. It helps me to remember that it’s very Western to expect children to leave home at or by a certain age, and that in many, many cultures family members live together for as long as necessary. I will pray that today God sends you a visible reminder of the good work He is doing in your family and your daughter, and how much He loves you and yours. He sees your heart and is so proud of all you give each day. With much love, Jamie xo

Anne, something that doesn’t get spoken often is that some kids are just hard. Frustratingly, soul-searingly, heart-breakingly hard. In spite of our best efforts, they don’t choose they way we would hope. I have the highest respect for parents who embrace these challenges, embrace these children, and never give up on them. Nobody can know the prayers and tears that go into loving and raising such a child; but I do feel assured that you are not alone in your struggle. I don’t know if you’re a spiritual person, but I do believe that ultimately, the Universe is a kind place, and our righteous intentions do not go unrewarded. The jury is still out on your daughter. And often, as I share a moment with parents of a difficult child, the question comes up: Would an environment of compulsion and emotional strain have improved the outcome? or is it possible that the relationship, the challenge, might have been worse if the parent had been more concerned with the rigors of grade levels and conformity than personalizing to the needs of the child? I pray that your story, your daughter’s story, has an ending that brings you joy. Please know that you are not (or should not be) judged harshly by those who have an easier path. Blessings to you! {{{{HUGS}}}}

She’s incredibly lost right now as a young adult. Incredibly lost–academically, emotionally, spiritually, socially.

That’s why it’s hard to trust the process.

It doesn’t always work.

Oh good, I’m so glad it’s encouraging. We have had some difficult days, to be sure! I have a dear friend whose 9 1/2 year old son JUST got the hang of reading, it’s like something finally clicked. It’s so hard in the meantime, praying for encouragement for you today, and that it WILL click for that dear kiddo of yours!

I’m so glad this was encouraging, Rose. That is most certainly a difficult dynamic with the bigs and littles. Praying for you today, for creative solutions, encouragement, and joy. Bless you, sister!